"Auto Racing, The Sport of Morons"

Like "Horse Racing, the Sport of Kings"

You think I'm joking? The big joke here is that if you do well in some amateur class, some big deal will notice and you will graduate to the big time of auto racing. The teeny bopper Cinderella dreams make more sense, and they don't make any sense at all. Yep, this is the place where cubic dollars will make you win. Ergo, cubic dollars will be the winners and be successful, but they already have the cubic dollars, so they must already be successful. Dirt Late Models, for example. Spend $15000 on a rolling chassis, $30000 on an engine with oiling system, $3000 on a transmission, $10000 on a tow vehicle, $4000 on a trailer, $5000 extra tires and wheels. Pay the entry fees because this is a business where you pay to be the entertainment. Now, you've spent $70000 to participate in the possibility of returning $1000 per race night. Sounds good, like maybe you could get a payback in 70 races. $10000 dollar rebuild on motor at 1200 laps, every 20 events. That would be about 70 divided by 20 or 3 1/2 times for 70 events. Add $35000 to the cost. That will make the payback 105 races. Four new tires each event for $500, for 70 races that would be $35000. Add another 35 events and the payback will be 140 races. The chassis's don't last 140 races, there are expensive wrecks, motel fees, food and fuel. Every now and then the engine blows up and maybe you can save a $3000 set of heads or a $1000 carbeuretor. Maybe! Sponsors, we forgot about sponsors. That would usually be daddy or a relative's business.

If you've got a really good sponsor, the tracks you race at will call your sponsor and steal him by offering to allow him to sponsor the purse and get all the advertising, win or lose. These are the ones you provide the entertainment for. These are the ones who charge you to be the entertainment. These are you buddies. They don't call them thieves. They call them promoters. They're always trying to help you out and it's gonna cost you a few more dollars. Dollars they will be handling. They'll make new rules and sell you the parts to make your car legal according to the new rule. Business is good for the promoter. If, by the grace of God and daddy's fat wallet, you should happen to win a race, they'll fix you up with a nice trophy and sell you a nice picture with the flagman and/or the trophy. They should paste a picture of a sucker over your winning smile, so the image matches the picture. Maybe take the picture with a big fish hook in their lip, hanging off the promoter's fat wallet. Good promoters realize racers will run for free. Picture and trophy very important, big picture is best because we're talking super-sized egos here. There's just not enough room for the ego in the photo. That's why big. Can't eat trophies or pictures. This is the same scenario for all classes of racing, except Winston Cup.

It would appear in Winston Cup that besides daddy's fat wallet, it is necessary to be joined at the hip with some family already in Winston Cup. That would be a blood relation, like a son, nephew, first cousin or something like that. Why don't you take a look at the Winston Cup bloodlines when you get a chance. Now don't get me wrong, I think race cars are much better investments than wives, and a lot more fun. Check with Jeff Gordon on that one. Women can't drive and jump into racing just to prove that fact, over and over. Even women who have great access to daddy's fat wallet, or are suspected of offering great fellatio can't succeed here. This sport is definitely not the great equalizer. Money talks and bullshit walks. Actually, bullshit and women. Women that don't drive, slow their driver husbands down, by demanding that they give them money instead of investing it all in the race car. After a while, they have to divorce them because the driver must weigh the comparative returns of race car vs. woman. That's a no-brainer. Gonna have to start looking for a new woman and get the prospects to send pictures of their race cars or tow vehicles. Might even consider an ugly girl with a Malcuitt engine. I can't believe that the National Organization of Women (NOW) hasn't sponsored a Cup car. Hell man, they sponsor homos and equality. Here's their great opportunity to prove women are equal, or not. I'm absolutely certain it's the "or not" that causes inertia in a race car deal. You should really read the Equal Pay story. Sometimes, reality is hard to find.